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VarnNammie.jpg (42078 bytes)VarnNammie_JohnV.jpg (32943 bytes)Journal
Jane "Janie" Vardell Lawton Varn

Volume II
Û     July 17, 1889 - October 29, 1899    Ü

The front and back covers of this volume of JVL's Journal are missing, as are one or more pages at the beginning and also at the end. The writing on the first remaining page is badly faded and difficult to read.

---letter

I am having a very quiet time here. I am sure would have enjoyed it more if I had remained at the Doctor's.

Charleston, S. C.
July 17, 1889
Here I am at the Barret's [?] lying in bed and not feeling at all well. I am going over to the Island and do hope this indisposition will wear off.

Charleston, S. C.
July 23, 1889
I spent a most delightful day on the Island last Tuesday. Willie [?] was so very sweet and nice but so sad she has never gotten over little Don-Don's death. Uncle Powell gave me such a hearty welcome, and just kept saying all day, "Well, Jane, I am glad to see you." It made me feel that they really cared for me.

Charleston, S. C.
July 24, 1889
I will leave Charleston today and am not sorry to do so either; it is so very warm down here. Just as I was getting ready to make a trip to King St., Mrs. Webb, Mrs. Lockwood's sister, came in to pay me a visit. Mamie Oswald also called. She brought her little girl.

Kearse, Barnwell Co.
Aug. 26, 1889
Well, old friend, it has been a long time since I have had a chat with you, and so many things have happened lately, too. The Doctor has been ill unto death.

Kearse, Barnwell Co.
Sept. 9th, 1889
Oakside School House. After a vacation of three weeks, we, that is, my three little pupils and myself, have begun our school exercises again. For the first time we have assembled in our new school house. May God grant us a prosperous session.

The Doctor, thanks to the One Who Rules All Things, is better and has gone off with the hopes of entirely regaining perfect health. He left us Thursday afternoon; how long he will be gone we know not, do not think he could well tell himself. Mrs. Lockwood, Baby Janie, Rena, and myself dined with Mrs. Wilson Friday. I spent a very pleasant day. Mr. Wilson was off; had gone with the Doctor.

Saturday Miss Bell Carmade [?] and I went for a horseback ride. We met with some mishaps. One was I fell from Bijou, and it was only God's mercy which save me from some serious accident or, perhaps, death. Then Miss Bell jumped from Maud while she was rapidly running. Neither of us sustained much injury. The horse stepped on my arm, which still gives me some pain and feels very heavy.

Yesterday we got ready, children and all, and went to church. On arriving there, a lady, who happened to be outside with her baby, informed us that the services were nearly over, so much to my disappointment we had to get back into the carriage. We then drove to the McMillams where I spent a most delightful day; the family were so attentive to me, Mr. Julius McM. especially kind. I do think he is very nice looking. Well must stop for this time. Nearly 11 A.M. Monday.

Kearse, S. C.
Oct. 26th, 1889
"Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in thy sight, my strength and my Redeemer," XIX Psalm, 14th verse — Mr. Wilson's text today. Our thoughts are the springs from whence flow the words we utter. Our associations have nothing whatever to do with our thoughts and emotions. The more we strive to drive away evil thoughts and supplant them with good ones, the less hard the struggle becomes, until at last the heart becomes thoroughly purified. We cannot do this in our own strengths, but depend on The Strength or Rock, i.e., Christ. Rock is always typical of strength, hence its application. In a storm if the anchor of the ship is firmly fastened to the rock, it safely rides, held in safety by this anchor to this stronghold. So it is if we anchor to Jesus, the storms and adversities pass over us without harm or injury. My thought: the anchor represents prayer. I enjoyed the services very much today. I hope, and by God's help they will, they will help me to face and brave the temptations and trials of my daily walk. Oh! my Father, cleanse the thoughts of my heart that they may be acceptable in thy sight. I do so long to live a purely Christian life.

I did not get to Sunday School in time to begin to teach my class today, for which I was very sorry.

Kearse, S. C.
Nov. 5th, 1889
My life is still going on peaceably. At times I feel ...

[this entry ends abruptly at this point]

Kearse, S. C.
Nov. 29th, 1889
Another school week at a close. I hope my little scholars have learned some good and gained some knowledge during the past week.

Kearse, S. C.
Dec. 1st, 1889
I went to church today. Mr. Wilson gave us quite a nice sermon from the VI Chapter of Galatians, 7th verse. "Be ye not deceived. God is not mocked, for as a man soweth, so shall he reap." The following is some sketches from it. "This is the sowing time. Now are the seeds broadcast; be careful what you are sowing for so shall you reap. Whatever we do here even to the smallest act or influence in any way, is like a pebble thrown into the sea. The concentric circles spread out and do not stop until the shores all around are met. Show me a man's amusements, his literature, his companions and his works, and I can tell what character of man he is."

New Year's Day, 1890.
Another year has begun its flight. Am I prepared to battle with it? It is the question I am continually asking myself. With God's help, I am sure I am. He and He alone can give me strength to cope with the trials and temptations which each day will bring forth; then, too, His grace will help me to take whatever of blessings he may send in a meek and lowly spirit.

I do not expect to remain here more than two months, perhaps for a shorter period of time. I dread so the separation from the Lockwoods.

Kearse, S. C.
Jan. 12th, 1890
One year ago today since I arrived here. It is Sunday.

Otranto Plantation
March 3rd, 1890
I have been here since last Tuesday. Brother and Helen are very good and kind to see me and the children very sweet, yet at times I feel very lonely.

Summerville, S. C.
Mar. 18th, 1890
Mamma, my own sweet mother, is desperately ill. Has been so for nearly two weeks. I really do not think the Doctor, Perkins it is, knows exactly what the matter is. At first he said pneumonia; now he says the lungs are healed, yet she continues to get no better. Oh! my heart has been so heavy that I find it impossible to engage in any kind of work. How often I have thought what a hard life I had because I had to work. Now I think with Aunt Julie, "Work is play when the heart is at rest. I was to have gone on Friday to take up my abode at Dr. Lockwood's in Charleston, but as you can see, Mamma's illness prevented [that]; now there is no telling when I will be able to take my departure. Dear Mrs. Lockwood has three children sick. You do not know how it grieves me that I am unable to render her any assistance in this her time of trouble. God knows I wish I could do something to help her. I can only pray "Thy will be done," and try and do my duty faithfully here. At times I feel I could do more good in Charleston than here, but my first duty is to my mother.

My deafness is now a tremendous source of trouble and worry at this time. I can only beg the Good Father to help me [with] this heavy cross as he has hitherto done. It is such a heavy, heavy one, tho', yet while I am in the midst of trying to be humble and carry it willingly with a cheerful heart, all at once my terrible pride makes me act and say such unchristian-like things. Never mind, I will hear alright in Heaven.

Cousin Min is still with us, and a dear good soul she is too in many respects.

Charleston, S. C.
Apr. 6th, 1890
Oh! my God! how hard it is for me to write it. I have no mother on earth; to think I cannot see her until my Heavenly Father sees fit to take me home too. Oh, Mamma, mamma, would that I had been a better daughter to you; it is hard to believe that my precious mother has left me. God, I do say Thy will be done, but, oh! how will I get on without my best earthly friend? My heart is sad. Good Father, comfort me in thine own heavenly way. Jesus, when on earth thou didst see how we poor mortals suffered, and indeed did not thou too participate in.

Charleston, S. C.
June 21st, 1890

Charleston, S. C.
June 22nd, 1890
I got no father than the date last night before sleep overtook me. It is Sunday. I went this morning to Bethel to attend services.

Summerville, S. C.
July 6th, 1890
The waves of this world seem to delight in stranding me in this "City of the Pines." It has always heretofore been a haven of rest, but, oh! my spirit was troubled today. I went to our church for the first time since my mother's departure for the Golden Shore. How I missed that loved form, God only knows. The new minister preached his first sermon today. I could hear him very well; his text was, "He saith unto him the third time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? Peter was grieved because he said unto him the third time, 'Lovest thou me?' And he said unto him, 'Lord, thou knowest all things. Thou knowest that I love thee.' Jesus saith unto him, 'Feed my sheep.'", St. John 21-17. I hope this young devine will prosper in the Master's vineyard. I think the[y] need an energetic young man in this town to do battle for the Lord. May he prove adequate to administer to the spiritual necessities of his flock.

I know not how long I will have to remain here. On Wednesday last I went over and stood that examination for the Scholarship at Winthrope Training School. As to whether I get through or not will decide the length of my stay. If not fortunate enough to pass, I will immediately set about finding employment of some kind. I think I made a wise step in withdrawing myself from the Lockwood family. I think they had come to consider me a fixture in that household and just thought that I would be willing to put up with any and every thing for the sweet priviledge of remaining there. Let me exempt the Doctor entirely from these accusations of my thoughts. Mrs. Lockwood, as dear and sweet a little woman as she is, had gotten to be just a little too domineering, which was one thing that my pride could not at all sustain. I am certain she will respect me more for leaving.

This house is , oh, so lonely without my dearest and best.

Summerville, S. C.
July 25th, 1890
It is late, but I must record a conversation I had tonight with Brother. He says if a man is changed and believes in Christ, showing this by his deeds in this world, it is not necessary for him to come out in the church and profess Him before men. I wonder if this kind of conversation will suit God? I think not. Annie is restless, must stop.

S'ville, S. C.
July 29th, 1890 Alone as usual. I wonder if all my life is to be passed in this manner? If so, I hope it will not be a very long one.

Summerville, S. C.
Aug. 10th, 1890
I went to church this morning. Mr. Glass gave us a very nice plain sermon. Text: "There is a lad here which hath five barley loaves and two small fishes, but what are they among so many?" He said that because our ways and means of doing good may be small, we should not hold back all together; do the best we can and maybe that God will see of it to crown our feeble efforts with wonderful results.

Summerville, S. C.
Aug. 11th, 1890
Cousin Min came up this afternoon, is to stay until Wednesday. Dr. Ellis dined here yesterday. We had a terrible thunderstorm yesterday afternoon. I am very sleepy and tired, have been feeling so badly all day. Miss Sue and Miss Joe Waring came on a visit this afternoon.

Summerville, S. C.
Aug. 18th, 1890
Twenty minutes of twelve, P.M., and here I am lying in bed, 'tis true, but just as wide awake as an owl. Have just gotten through reading "Through One Administration." Enjoyed it thoroughly. The end was quite sad; the hero, Col. Tredemis, was killed, but have come to the conclusion that it must be the last novel for some time. I have too much work on hand.

Sis went to town Saturday. I miss her very much, cannot say I enjoy housekeeping very much. In five weeks now, I will be in Columbia.

Went to see Mrs. Bulmer [?] this morning and took her driving. She will leave for the city tomorrow. I found her a very pleasant acquaintance. Mrs. Schultz and Pia dined here today, and we went driving this afternoon.

Must try to sleep.

Summerville, S. C.
Sept. 6th, 1890
I came here last night. Had such a pleasant day yesterday and today. Went up to Mrs. Lockwood's this morning. They were all so sweet and kind to me. Little Janie is sweeter than ever and I think she is the best child I have ever seen. The Doctor was so sweet and good and my darling better than all. All these folks are just as kind and sweet as it is possible for them to be., the Bennets, I mean.

Columbia, S. C.
Sept. 23rd, 1890
Well here I am, one of the Winthrope women; cannot say I enjoy the position very much though. Mrs. Lamar is very sweet; the old gentleman does very well. Miss Lamar, I think she is a Miss, is very nice. Altogether I think I will become more satisfied after a while. I met Mrs. Caldwell today. She is one of Winthrope's little women. She is poor Willie Caldwell's widow; he died two years ago.

# 18 Plain St.
Columbia, S. C.
Nov. 20th, 1890
Time glides smoothly on. Nothing of very much importance has happened lately. Only I have been sick again. What is to be done? Such a bad cold as I have had and for such a length of time, too. Yesterday evening I was very much inclined to have the Doctor sent for, not my doctor, but Dr. Taylor. I have missed three days from school this week, am afraid that it is going to count very much against me.

What can be the matter with Mrs. Lockwood. She has not deigned to write me a letter for nearly four weeks. Can she be put out with me for anything I have unintentionally done?

Miss Jimmie Lamar is to be married Tuesday after Xmas. She has invited me to the wedding.

I must try and study a little for tomorrow Miss Leonard will not like it if I do not.

Columbia, S. C.
Dec. 31st, 1890
A half hour more and the old year will be gone. A few more heart throbs, old friend, and you will be numbered with your kind that have sunk into the ages past, some into oblivion. But that will never be your fate, for the record you bear stands out too clearly by far ever to be forgotten by me. Mother, oh my mother, this year you passed away form my sight; to think, before I can see her again, I, too, will have to pass through the dark valley of the Shadow of Death. Dear Savior, be with me then to sustain and uphold, as thou went with her in that last earthly conflict.

Let me not dwell on this. I try to keep before me that what has been my temporary loss has been her eternal gain. Mother, you are waiting to welcome us all to your Celestial Home. God grant that none will be missing on that last great day, but together sing our makers praise on harps of gold.

Miss Jimmie Lamar was married yesterday at ten o'clock. My best friend in this house has left me. It would be almost impossible to tell how good and kind she has ever been to me. I feel that God will surely bless her for her thought for a lonely motherless girl.

I went home and spent Christmas. All were as sweet as possible. Went to Charleston the day after Christmas. Mrs. Lockwood was her own dear self. But the Doctor. Oh! I am so much afraid that friend will not be here very long, and what a friend he has been; God will reward him. I do so want to help him in some way. Oh! Father, spare him to those who need him so sadly. All my friends were so thoughtful and sweet. God has certainly blessed me giving so many.

The old year slowly slips away. I hope the close of the next will see me nearer to God than I have ever been before. My Savior, what would I do without Thy sustaining help in this wearying battle of life? The old year is gone. Welcome 1891. Mother in heaven ... [The entry end with this phrase.]

#18 Plain St.
Columbia, S. C.
1.18.91
Mary Kinsman, my sole roommate now, has gone to church; consequently I am left all alone. I do not mind it very much tho', as it gives me an opportunity to record a few thoughts herein.

I went to the Church of the Good Shepherd this morning. Mr. Mitchell gave a nice sermon, a little peculiar though, I thought. His text was Philippians IV, 13, "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me." He illustrated the amount of work St. Paul was able to accomplish through the strengthening of Christ, how much he endured and suffered which would have been impossible for him to do in his own strength. From this he pointed out many practical lessons: how we must first perform our duty to God; by so doing receive strength for the performance of domestic and other duties. He said never let a man say that he owes it as his first duty to his wife and children to neglect the services of God on His day. God must be put first and foremost. It will certainly follow that all other duties will fall into their right places."

What was peculiar about the sermon he had neither a manuscript or notes. It appeared to be an extemporaneous sermon — and oh! he was so much in earnest. God will that some good was done.

No. 18 Plain St.
Columbia, S.C.
Feb. 1st, 1891
Sunday evening. What a sadly unprofitable day it has been. I got ready to go to church this morning, even had my bonnet on. Just before starting it commenced raining, and I thought it advisable not to venture to take the long walk to the Church of the Good Shepherd, consequently stayed at home. Read a sermon by Talmage and slept. 'Tis true the nap was very refreshing, but I could have done without.

I intended going to Dr. Girardeau's this afternoon but was prevented by the cloudy appearance of the weather and the muddy condition of the streets.

Just from church. At the last moment Mary persuaded me to go. It was a union meeting at the Washington Methodist Church. The sermon was about the Y.M.C.A. and the progress it has made since its organization and c. Mr. Flynn preached; his text was taken from C XLIV. 12. "That our sons may be plants grown up in their youth, that our daughters may be as corner stones finished after the similitude of a palace."

18 Plain St.
Columbia, S.C.
Feb. 22nd, 1891
Sunday night. It seems that no other time suits so well to have a talk with you, old journal, as Sunday.

I attended morning services at the Church of the Good Shepherd. Was obliged to go alone. Cousin Willie did not come for me as he very often does, and Kathy went to Trinity. Mr. Mitchell preached from St. Mark, XII, 43. "And he called his disciples and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, that this poor widow has cast more in than all they which have cast into the Treasury." The following are a few points from it: "Christ did not rebuke the rich men for what they had put in, but for not putting in according as they had been blessed. Upon the first day of the week to lay by us in store, as God has prospered us. If a man gets a salary of twenty dollars per month and out of that gives the Lord two dollars, he gives as much or even more than the man who receives two hundred per month and gives twenty. We must also possess the right spirit in returning these gifts to the Lord; otherwise they are useless factors in promoting our souls' eternal welfare. We brought nothing into this world, and it is true that we can carry nothing out, so why not lay up treasures where moth nor rust doth not corrupt. The heathens have always devoted a portion of their belonging to their gods. Shall we as Christian people do less than they?

Brother wrote me such a delightful letter last week. One from Mrs. Lockwood came to hand this morning. She speaks of my going down there Easter as a decided thing. I feel that it is something utterly impossible, so must not let my mind imagine for a moment that it will be feasible to do so. Oh!, how I would like to leave this place for a while; what a boon it would be.

I have finished teaching my second week down stairs, and also gave a practice lesson last Wednesday. Am glad to say I acquitted myself very creditably indeed. The idea of the practice lesson filled me such unutterable dread that I went to see Miss Leonard and begged her to get me excused. She would not do it; now I am glad that she would not accede to my request.

Of mamma! mamma! to think I have had to do without you for one long, long year. Oh! my God! Help me to bear the separation in the right spirit. One year ago tonight my precious mother was taken from us. What a long, long time it seems to have been. Oh! mamma, I cannot realize yet that I will never see you again on this earth; sometimes I feel that I just cannot bear to live always without you.

18 Plain St.
Columbia, S.C.
April 29th, 1891
Holiay week, yet not a holiday for me, for I have not enjoyed it at all; think I would have been far happier in school. When we go back Monday, we will have but six weeks more. Then where will I go — is the question which is constantly in my mind now.

Mary went home and Miss Douglas is off on a visit, so Miss Pouncey and I are all in all to each other. She is so sweet and good; reminds very much of my dear, sweet mother.

I am sad and lonely tonight. I have just finished reading Ben Hur; the sufferings of our Savior, as pictured therein, are so realistic. It makes me realize how unworthy I am to be called one of his disciples.

Miss Jimmie, alias Mrs. Moore is here. She is very sweet.

Columbia, S.C.
May 3rd, 1891
I did not go to church today. Mary came back yesterday; I did not look for her until tonight.

Helen has another daughter. Am so anxious to see her. She made her appearance on the 24th of April.

Columbia, S.C.
May 8, 1891
Helen's little daughter is named for Sissie. I am so glad they have given her that name; Mamma would be too.

I went to the meeting of the literary society this afternoon. They had Confederate Memorial exercises conducted throughout. The occasion was enjoyed by all.

Only five weeks before I graduate, and then where will I go? The Good Father only knows. I want to get a school for the summer months in Spartanburg County and be able to stay with Miss Jimmie. She went back home today.

J.A.M. has waked up again. A lovely lot of roses arrived today from him. What is in his mind I wonder.

Barnwell County
June 14, 1891
"Plants and animals succeed only if treated according to their natural qualities, and the education of a man will not and cannot succeed without adapting it to his nature."

Ehrhardt's
Barnwell Co, S. C.
This is Tuesday morning. I have been with Mrs. Wilson since Saturday All have been so good and kind to me. And I have enjoyed the freedom of the country exceedingly.

Wednesday Night. Got a letter from Sissie this evening which has disquieted me very much.

Ehrhardt's
Barnwell Co, S. C.
June 21st, 1891
My God! Is there really no place in this world for for me? I am very nearly frantic. I get perceptibly deafer as each day goes by. Sometimes I am in doubt that I will ever earn a livelihood so bad are things getting to be. I just feel wild with trouble and anxiety. I know not where to turn for help, feel forsaken by everything and everybody. Even my God seems far from me. I cannot pray any more in the right spirit; such dreadful rebellion rises up within me. And when I think that I may live for years, the thought is terrible. Oh! mother, mother, why did you leave me so utterly alone.

Sunday Night After writing the above, I had a little cry, and then knelt down and made a prayer. It is true it was very random, but then God saw into my heart how troubled it was, and he sent me comfort and hope. I feel tonight that surely after he has kept me this far, he will not now desert me. 'Tis true my cross is very heavy to bear, and it seems so much heavier than those of others around me. Yet I am confident he will not leave me to bear it alone. Then, too, have I not an eternity to spend in which I will hear with ears that will know no dullness. And have I not the promise that "They who sow in tears shall reap in joy."

Dr. and Mrs. Roberts took tea here tonight. I am very much pleased with her.

Ridgeway
Fairfield Co., S.C.
July 30, 1891
More than a month has transpired since recording anything in this book. It has been quite a momentous one in some respects for me. I returned home from Mr. W. July 27 [the Journal does say July 27, but Janie must have meant June. Otherwise the dates of the individual entries don't match up!]. After staying there awhile, this situation was offered me in which I am teaching a lady, Mrs. Wilson, a young widow, calisthenics and kindergarten methods. I gladly accepted it and came here July 11th.

God has been very good in raising up friends — and such good ones,too — in this place for me.

This is a pretty little place; the scenery around is lovely. Mr. Wilson has promised to take me in the direction of Longtown, where he says some fine views may be obtained. I would not be surprised, though, if he forgets he ever made such a promise.

Summerville, S.C.
Aug. 8, 1891
Home again. Got back last night. Am so tired can write no more.

Summerville, S.C.
Aug. 30th, 1891
So many changes have taken place in the last three weeks. The girls went to the mountains on the 12th. While they were away I had Mary Kinsman come up here to keep me company. On account of family troubles, she was obliged to go home. Then Mrs. Lockwood sent Pretto and Gina up; they are still here.

Aunt Julie returned with the girls. I was not very much pleased when I heard she was coming, nor am I pleased that she is still here now to stay no telling how long. I must [stop] and see about breakfast.

Summerville, S.C.
Sept. 11th, 1891
Nearly time for me for me to take my departure. I will go on Monday so as to begin my duties on Tuesday. It is with dread inexpressible that I look forward to school teaching. I can only say that with God's help I will do all in my power.

Weimers
Colleton Co., S. C.
Sept. 16th, 1891
Here I have reached my destination. And, oh! how lonely is my heart. I am boarding with Miss Maimie Varn. She is so good and kind. I like her very much. My school is getting on, but I feel so discouraged about it. Give me strength, oh, Lord.

Weimers
Colleton Co., S. C.
Oct. 4th, 1891
Sunday morning. There were no services at the Methodist Cross Swamp church today; consequently, I did not go out as these people do not attend any other church than their own.

Mrs. Weimer took me down to Mrs. Wilson's yesterday afternoon. Then we sent for Lee, who is staying with Mrs. Jake Copeland. Poor little man. God grant that some great changes will take place in him before the years of manhood really come upon him. O, Doctor, how was it that you ever had such a son? God in his infinite wisdom does what is right; therefore, we do not question the work of his hands.

My school is giving satisfaction to most of the patrons. I do with [all] my might but am not at all satisfied with the results.

I have such a pleasant home here. How thankful I am.

Weimers
Colleton Co., S. C.
Oct. 18th, 1891
Again it is Sunday, and again I have not gone to church..Mr. Julius came yesterday.

Weimer
Colleton Co., S. C.
Nov. 7, 1891
"Jesus answered, Neither has this man sinned nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest." St. J., IX, 3. And is it thus with me? Does God intend truly to manifest his gracious works through this poor, weak vessel? If so, I pray God to give me strength to meet and overcome each days trials and temptations, and to increase His holy spirit within my heart more and more.

Oh! I do get so discouraged at times. I can then see no illumination in any direction; and cannot imagine why my Kind Father should have made such a poor afflicted mortal endure the thorns and briars of this troublesome world without seemingly gaining any benefit therefrom and doing nothing to aid His cause in this wicked world. O, God, my Father, renew my faith and the fainting spirit within me. Make me a fit vessel for thy service. Let me realize clearly that I was not put here for my own selfish enjoyment, but for some mighty reason that thou thinkest best to conceal from my mortal eyes. Let me not try to fight the world's battles and against Satan with my puny strength, but be thou with me at all ...[one or more pages of the Journal are missing at this point . The next entry, shown below is also a partial one in which Janie is apparently wrestling with the decision of marrying John Varn. What a pity to miss the lost entires!]

Date Unknown
... for at times I feel that I can stake all my earthly happiness upon him, then again across my soul rolls such terrible doubts that by taking him I will be putting the seal to a most miserable existence. It is to be hoped that there is soon to be an end to these hopes and fears. My God! Direct. Spirit of my sainted mother be near me.

Weimer, Colleton Co., S. C.
March 4, 1892
The saddest month of all the year to me for was it not this month which made me desolate? I try to bear in mind tho' that what was my loss was her great gain. Mother! Mother! Are you happy in that Better Land with so many of your loved ones around you? Father, mother, children, husband, sisters, brothers, kindred and friends? — and better than all, dwelling in the light of our dear Lord and Savior's countenance. Oh, yes, I know you must be.

My father in heaven keep watch and guard over me . I need it now more than ever. I have decided upon taking a most important step, viz., that of changing my lot in life. God grant that it will be a wise one. John appears to be everything that is good and true, and I am very nearly sure that I love him. We are to be married in the fall.

Weimer, Colleton Co., S. C.
March 20, 1892
Mother mine, that date always puts a pain in my heart. Oh! my mother, when God took you, my best earthly friend went away. I am more and more convinced of that every day I live.

Weimer, Colleton Co., S. C.
May 1, 1892
Sunday Morning: – I am out in the woods trying to get some consolation. I have not been at all well lately, do not know what [is wrong (?)]. [A page seems to be missing here.]

Weimer, Colleton Co., S. C.
June 18, 1892
Why are we made such frail creatures, and why do we have to grieve so much in this world of sin before we are permitted to leave it? My poor boy is in so much trouble. We have just gotten the news of his brother's death. My John minds it very much, and to think it is so I cannot be of any comfort or service. I can only pray God to keep them all. Oh! his poor, poor mother! What will she do without her dear youngest? Teach her, Dear Lord, to say from her heart, "Thy will be done." Whom the Lord loveth, he chaseneth. If I could only be of some assistance, I would not have this dull heavy feeling. Death leaves a shining mark; how true that is in this instance. Gerhardt bid fair to be such a noble Christian help in this world of sin. Thank God he was fully prepared to go. I think that Jesus, our Friend, will meet him with "Well done thou faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things. I will now make you ruler over many."

May God bring out of this affliction many good results. "God moves in a mysterious way, His wonders to perform." It is for some good end He has seen fit to afflict us so sorely. Dear Gerhardt, when I think of you, such a celestial peace enters my heart. For are you not at rest with God's redeemed? Ah! what a world of sorrow and trouble you are spared. It is not for you, my dear one's angel brother, that I grieve, but for the poor, weak, weary ones left behind to endure the heat of the day a little longer. God grant that when our summons comes, that we may all be as well prepared as you, dear Christian brother, to answer then and appear before the Judgement Seat of [the] Supreme Ruler.

Oh! my mother, my dearest mother, you are at rest too; do you wonder that I sometimes long for the trumpet call so that I could be always at rest.

God, if thou hast any work for me to do, let me know what it is, and give me a willing spirit to await thy will. Father, let this sorrow wherever it touches bring us all nearer and nearer to Thee, let us cling closer and closer to Thee ever hereafter. Now God bless all my dear ones, especially, especially those whose hearts are bowed down with sorrow. Father let them see that it is Thy dear hand that is bending them onward still onward. Show them that this separation is but for a moment in comparison with the Eternity which Thou hast prepared for thy saints to spend in glorifying Thee, the only true God.

Summerville, S.C.
July 10, 1892
Sunday morning: "The great thing is to suffer without being discouraged." The prayer that rises from my heart is Lord let me not be discouraged.

Miley's, Hampton Co., S. C.
August 18, 1893
One year of married life, one year of peace and happiness, one year beloved by an honest, faithful, God-fearing man. My God I thank thee for these many blessings. Help me to be more grateful every day. My little Daisy is not quite two months and a half old, and a sweeter baby cannot be found anywhere. Everybody tells me I have, indeed, a good child. How God has blessed me. Even now she is kicking up her little heels and playing with her father on the bed.

Miley's, Hampton Co., S. C.
Sept. 16, 1893
Another sad death to record. Not sad for the one who has gone before, but for those grieving ones left behind. Mr. Gabriel Varn, John's uncle, has left us. He died night before last. Poor Miss Mary takes it so much to heart, and no wonder for he has been her one thought for more than two years; i.e., since her mother died two years ago last July. I feel so for Miss Mary, only wish I could help her bear her great sorrow.`

I am looking for Nimmie tonight, expected him two weeks ago, but on account of the fearful storm we had on the 27th, it was impossible for him to travel. I sincerely hope that he will not disappoint us this time.

My little Daisy is growing finely, and of course we think her very bright; she will hold out her hands to come to you and can turn herself entirely over. She knows strangers already.

John's sister has another little girl, born 29th inst.

Miley's, Hampton Co., S. C.
Nov. 14, 1893
Only a month and a half left in this year; how time gets away from us. I went home on the 10th of last month and stayed three weeks, spent quite a pleasant visit, everybody was so kind and friendly. Marion returned with me on the last day of October; she is still here. I find it so pleasant having her.

Brother is very sick. The physicians of Summerville could do nothing to help him, so Helen and himself are boarding in Charleston, and he has put himself under the care of Dr. Buirt who says he has malarial poisoning; he was very much swollen when I was at home, and now Sissie writes me he has lost almost the entire use of his limbs. Oh!, I do feel so sad when I think of them; what would his poor wife and four little children do without him; God grant him a new lease on life so that he can be with them a little longer; if he is taken, how we will miss our dear brother.

My little Daisy is so sweet and smart; why she can say a word already; whenever she is hungry, she cries "ninga, ninga" as plainly as possible.

I had her baptized on Sunday, the 29th of last month, brother standing for her god-father, Sissie and Mrs. Joe Bennet Rivers her god-mothers. Mr. Glass baptized her before the service in the morning at the church.

Miley's, Hampton Co., S. C.
Dec. 10, 1893
Nearly a month since I have written anything here in old journal, and what sad news to record. Little Janie, my name-child, is dead. Ah, her poor mother, Carrie, and Miss Gege how they miss her merry little voice.

I went to the Lutheran church today, carried my little Daisy, who behaved beautifully. After services we went to Mrs. Wilson's where we spent a very pleasant day. I met so many of my old friends over yonder. All seemed so glad to see me. Mr. Julius McMillan and his bride were at church. I did not get an opportunity to see or speak to her. My little Daisy grows sweeter and prettier every day.

March 3, 1984
Nearly three months since a line has been written herein, and so many things have transpired in that time. My dear brother has gone to his last home; how my heart aches, not for him, for I hope, with him all things are well, but for myself, his wife and little ones, and all who loved him. Oh, those poor little children! Christ, look upon them with pitying eyes and care for them at all times.

Helen and little ones spent two weeks with me last month; I was so glad to have them here. Mary Kinsman came the 17th of Jan. and stayed three weeks. I enjoyed her visit hugely.

John is off tonight. I miss my dear old man so much when night comes and finds him away. Thank God, I have a good husband.

April 5, 1894
Death has been around again with his sickle keen. A husband and father taken; Dr. Ola Varn went to his last resting place night before last. He had been sick very nearly two months ago with a disease similar to what brother died of. Oh, his poor young wife. She is nearly heartbroken; so young to be left a window – not yet twenty. The little girl was two years old last December. God grant that thy chastening hand may be seen in this their great sorrow. Poor Miss _____, it is hard for her to give up her dear brother. I can sympathize with her, oh, so deeply!

My _____ of a Daisy is not walking yet, but she crawls around at a great rate, and gets, oh, so dirty. I can contrive no way to keep her clean. She can say a good many words.

I had such an elegant vegetable garden, but the cold came the latter part of last month and just ruined it. Easter, the 25th of March, was such a rainy day, a very uncommon thing for Easter.

Sept. 2, 1894
Here it is very nearly fall, just four more months of 1894 left.

I am trying to wean my little daughter, and find it a very hard job. Poor John, it nearly breaks his heart to hear her pitiful cries, but it has to be done, and the longer I put it off, the worse will be the task. Here I am fully four months on the way again.  I felt decided movements the middle of last month; I was so much in hopes that I would be free until Daisy was two years old, but the Good Lord decided otherwise. God grant that all will be well with me and the little unborn.

Marion Freer stayed some time with me this summer, came about the 12th of July and left the 7th of August. She will begin to teach the Kearse school the middle of October.

Miley Varn is to be married the 19th of this month. O hope he will find much happiness in the married state.

Daisy can say anything she pleases, walked before she was a year old (oh, she is a dear little treasure; my daily prayer is that God will spare her to me and that I will be able to raise her up to be a noble Christian woman.)

This is Sunday. I am afraid that we do not spend our Sundays in the right manner, being the first Sunday there was no preaching at Wesley.

Miley's
Dec. 23, '94
Christmas nearly here and the year nearly gone. John is thinking of moving; he does not know exactly where. I hope the dear Lord will direct him in whatever he may do.

Daisy is growing a big girl. I find that I have to manage her right along; she is so sweet it is hard to punish her. I find [it] is a very difficult matter to know exactly how to manage her.

Miley's
Mar. 14, 1895
The first writing I have done in this old journal in 1895. January 19th found me the mother of another little daughter. Such a dear little creature. I thank God that he has sent me another joy. John's sister was so good and kind in my troubles. I hope I will find some way to reward her for it.

My little Daisy is very fond of the baby, only she is jealous of her; she does not like to see either Eddie or her father holding her. Daisy is so smart; I am afraid that she is getting very much spoiled. It was too amusing to watch her father trying to cut out paper dolls for her tonight.

Col. Gregg is dead and Nimmie has gotten his position as superintendent of the Farmers' Phosphate Co. I hope he will do much better. O, if Nimmie were a Christian, how happy it would make me.

Ladies Island
April 19, 1896
Just to think, dear old journal, you have lain neglected for over a year, and such an eventful year it was too. Oh, yes! God sent us much trouble in it, but thanks to His Almighty Goodness, our little circle is still complete. First little Daisy was desperately ill, was taken the 26th of March. We thought at one time it would be impossible to save her dear life. How good our friends were to us in our time of need. Dear Sissie came to me and rendered all the assistance in her power.

Daisy had her second spell of illness in June. We were spending some time in Summerville; then I thought her father would never see her alive, each breath for awhile was watched as her last. God was merciful; he gave her back to us. Little Rena was a wonderfully healthy child until she was nearly seven months old; at that time she had a severe bilious attack; she has never been very strong since, owing, I think, to a severe illness she had before she had entirely recovered. Of course, I was unable to nurse her. Mammie Varn, in the goodness of her heart, took and kept her for nearly two months, nursing her with her own little Emma who is two weeks older. But as I say, she has never been the same healthy baby she [was] before the first attack. I had her quite sick last week but am thankful to write that she is much better tonight. I hope when she is through cutting her teeth, she will get well and strong.

Daisy is as fat as a butterball, but she is far from being a robust child; she is uncommonly bright for her age.

My dear friend Mrs. Roberts took her heavenly flight July 18, 1895.; hers was a spirit too good and pure for this sinful world. How I miss her, words are inadequate to express. She left a week old baby and a three year old daughter. Poor doctor was heartbroken, and well he might be, for it will be impossible for him to get such another.

We came down to Beaufort the last day of November as a change for the children and me, as we had all been sick in old Colleton [county] during the fall. Our move over here was made the 26 of Jan. 1896. John has a position under Nimmie. I thank God that our outlook is brighter than it was some time ago.

Marion Freer will marry 27[th] next month. Who next?

Ladies Island
Nov. 6, 1896
Dear old journal, I feel that I am a changed woman. Oh, I am old and broken; all my high aspirations have gone from me. And yet I thank God that He still permits me to live for the sake of my dear little ones. O, to think Mrs. Lockwood is gone! My darling, my darling, how hard it is to think that I will never see you again. I feel heartbroken about my friend leaving me; her death has shocked me inexpressibly. It seems as if I cannot recover from it.

Ladies Island
Feb. 7, 1897
My birthday! Ah, what an old woman I am growing to be. But thank God I am not unwilling to grow old. I feel reconciled to the added years when I sit and contemplate the blessings that have come with them. If I am older, I hope I am wiser. At times I feel so near my Maker, that must be that I am drawing nearer and nearer to the final change.

Look at my temporal blessings. The most indulgent of husbands woman ever had. He tells me again and again he is not worthy of me, but I am feigned to believe that it is just the other way.

My two little daughters are two big blessings out of the many that the dear Father has seen fit to shower upon me. Thank God, they have well minds and well bodies, and I hope with His assistance it will be well with their souls. I wish it were possible to set down here exactly what my babies are. Daisy is certainly a fine specimen of childhood with her rounded limbs and straight little body. Her sweet dark eyes peeping out from the curly tangle of hair do not always meet mine with the out-spoken look I would like to see in them. I am afraid my Daisy tries to "beat old Satan around the bush" sometimes. God give me strength to teach her to meet the world fairly and squarely at all times.

My baby Irene, I call her my sunbeam; usually she is the brightest cheeriest, most out-spoken little creature living, helping and doing each one good she comes in contact with, but lo and behold, the sunshine is hidden, and a miniature hurricane prevails. No threats, punishments, comfortings can subdue it as long as it lasts. From experience I find it best to let it spend itself on nothing. When it is over, she is like a little dove come in out of a storm, clinging to my neck, kissing me, and patting my cheeks; one may still hear the heaving of the little chest. If she lives to grow up, the spirit of God alone will able to subdue the tempest hidden beneath that sweet piquant little face.

I am thankful to say that our prospects financially are better this year. Nimmie has gone into a co partnership with Mr. Rivers in the store and will put John in charge the first of next month. I sincerely hope that everything will go on well, and also that John will be able to lead an honest, straightforward life.

Death has again been near us. John's brother Willie was taken from his dear ones on the 21st of January. His death was caused from injuries inflicted by a young cow. Dear Father, look in spirit on the lone wife and little children.

Ladies Island
April 10, 1897
O!, my kind Father, little did I think that the next time I wrote in this journal, it would be to record the death of my precious baby. It is hard to realize that my darling has left me. God, thou didst take her to dwell with thee. Help me, O dear Jesus, help me to be submissive and bear this great pain for my eternal gain.

Angel baby mother misses you! No words, no tongue can tell how much! O God, forgive me for wanting my baby back. As she cannot come to me, help me so to live that I will see her when thou doest release my spirit from this mortal clay.

Ladies Island
April 21, 1897
O, heart of mine, why will thou ache so! God's knowledge alone can penetrate the depth of my suffering and grief. I know that I still have many sweet blessing which I do not deserve. But oh, my Rena, you were the light and sunbeam of my life. God, my Father, grant that I will see her again.

Ladies Island
April 24, 1897
Two months ago my precious Rena lay by my side breathing away her sweet life. O, God, why have I to suffer this aching heart torture? Why do I ask when I know it is to draw my wayward, worldly heart nearer to Thee. I needed this humbling, O, Father; what have I been and what am I still? A miserable, wretched, groveling worm not worthy of Thy care. Yet I feel in my heart that Thou doest still keep and love me.

Ladies Island
May 9, 1897
My Baby, my baby, your poor heartbroken mother has you in her mind at all times. Nearly everything I do or say makes me think of my Rena. A sweeter babe mother never had. She was a blessing and treasure I was not fit to keep. Lord, I beg Thee to cleanse me from all sin so I will see Thy face and be a fit mother for my angel baby.

Beaufort, S. C.
June 15, 1897
I see above how I earnestly petitioned God to make me a "fit mother for my angel baby;" but I think I should still more earnestly petition him to make me a fit mother for my little Daisy. It is so hard to know just how to do my duty by her. If grace is not given, it will be impossible to do what is right. My little daughter has been very ill; I thank God that he thought fit to spare her to me.

We are in our new quarters at Miss Stuart's house; it is nice here but very lonely. I miss and long for my baby, but I am afraid that it is not right for me to dwell on that as much as I have been doing. O, Lord, direct me in all things.

Beaufort, S. C.
June 26, 1897
Just four months since we laid away the mortal remains of my angel baby. O! darling! Mother went to your little grave, but not a flower did she have to carry. I find it a sad pleasure to visit that hallowed spot. I think it strengthens me for my daily duties. O! God, I need thy help more and more each day.

My Daisy grows so sweet and smart, I am afraid I cling to her too intensely, my precious little girl who is so much comfort to her grieving mother. O! Lord, I know thou doest all things well, but it is so hard for such a woman as I am to understand. Just help me to trust and feel that I shall know all in thine own good time. I am so thankful that John comes home every night now; it is such a comfort having him.

Beaufort, S. C.
June 27, 1897
Sunday night. John has gone to church. Daisy is asleep, so I alone with my thoughts, my Bible, and you, old journal. O, my baby, would that you mother could see you in her dreams, but when dreams come to me in my sleep, they are of things unutterably horrible. I earnestly desire to see that sweet face, but for good reason God withholds it from me. Pity and comfort me, oh Savior.

Beaufort, S. C.
July 4, 1897
My God, how I do suffer for my shortcomings. I wonder if it will be possible for me to learn wisdom in this world. O, God, why did I not nurse my baby and not leave it to strangers to do? O, how I have suffered for allowing myself to be overcome at such a time. I am such a weak creature. Dear Father, it is from Thee alone I can get strength to fight the battles of this life. I did not go to my darling's little grave yesterday; I had no flowers to carry, and it is sad to go empty handed.

John and my Daisy have gone to church. Dear little Daisy. How hard she tries to make up to me my great loss. Oh, angel baby, may mother be permitted to live right so that when God calls me, I will see Him and you, and all my loved ones gone before.

Beaufort, S. C.
Aug. 9, 1897
More than two weeks since I have been to my darling's little grave. My precious baby, how your mother misses and aches for you. It is hard to live right. I find my tongue saying naughty things about people before I know it.

Sissie, Annie and Miss Davis came here today. My darling Daisy grows so sweet and loving. Ah, me, I pray God to spare me my one lamb, my little comforter.

Beaufort, S. C.
Sept. 4, 1897
Oh, this terrible separation from my little one, flesh of my flesh, bone of my bone. I try so hard to see why she was taken, also to look on the bright side. Oh, my darling, only the Good Lord knows the void in my poor heart; at times I cannot help but wish that I was laid by your side. O, Lord, help me to say, "Thy will be done." "Renew my will from day to day. Blend it with Thine and take away all that now makes it hard to say 'Thy will be done.'"

Someone had just put fresh flowers on my darling's grave. I carried a few over this afternoon and discovered them. It must have been dear Sissie. It is very sweet to find someone thinks of my darling.

I do not grow in Christian grace as I should. I am too anxious for the good opinion of this world. O, Lord, help me to give up all and become wholly Thine.

Beaufort, S. C.
Oct. 24, 1897
What a busy woman I am these days. Thank God for employment which keeps away demon thoughts. I am now doing all my own work; in the main I enjoy it, only hope that I will be able to continue it.

Lou Muller is now with me. I find her very sweet and willing to do. Hope she will gain something by staying here. She, John, and Daisy have gone to Sunday school.

My little Daisy. How sweet she is. She often calls me her "darling." She is my "best lover." She watches my face and tries to drive away every sad look. I think I keep real cheerful. It will not be long before God calls me, so why should I grieve for my precious baby? What a welcome I will have. Darling mother and sweet baby waiting and watching for me. Just help me God to see thy face, and all else will be added unto me.

Ella came with Lou and stayed a few days. I was so glad to see her.

Beaufort, S. C.
Jan. 16, 1898
Another year has come, but my heart has no welcome for it. I hate to look into the future. It all seems so dark. John is entirely out of work. How are we to live in this town without money? I try to be patient and feel that it will all come right, but find myself terribly cast down. God in his own good time will help us if we but trust in him and try to help ourselves.

My darling's first birthday since she was taken from me will be tomorrow. O, my baby, oh, my baby, mother did not know what a treasure she had until you were taken from her, my bright, winsome daughter. My heart aches and longs for my baby. I fixed up her little grave last Thursday. Father, forgive me and help me be a better mother.

Sunday, Jan. 23, 1898.
I went to the Episcopal church today. Lou accompanied me. The services were very sweet; I enjoyed them greatly.

Miss Kate Fuller went to her long rest last Tuesday morning. Oh, how I do feel for her poor mother. Don't I know just what terrible heart aches she is suffering? It is nearly a year since I have been without my precious baby, yet my heart longs for her just as much as ever. Never mind, I am just that much nearer to her. Oh God, help me to live so that when I am called home, I will see thy face and my dear baby.

Beaufort, S. C.
Feb. 20, 1898
John's sweet, gentle mother was laid to rest Friday, 18th. I feel that I cannot grieve for her; she longed so to be at rest with her dear ones gone before, now all trouble and pain is over. How can we wish her back? I feel that I will miss dear mother much in the future; she was always kind and good to me. To my little girls she was a devoted grandmother, never once was a cross word or a frown directed to them. Hers was a truly beautiful life; all loved and reverenced her. I feel that she is indeed at rest. John went up to attend her funeral; I look for him back tonight.

Dear Nimmie came yesterday to see if I needed anything. I really think he cares for me despite his coolness of manner.

Beaufort, S. C.
Feb. 25, 1898
Friday. One long year that I have had to do without my baby. But then it is one year nearer to seeing her dear face again. O, God, help me to live that when I am called, I will see Thee and my precious baby lamb. It is hard to live without her. Give me thy grace to live right.

Beaufort, S. C.
July 31, 1898
Sunday morning. More than five months since I have looked into this old journal. Except for the void in my heart made by my absent darling, my life flows on peacefully and tranquilly. But to think, my sisters are going to leave me here in this old town, also Nimmie. I hate very much, but must make up my mind to bear on as much as I can. They will leave for Charleston on Tuesday, the 2nd of Aug.

Daisy grows so fast. I am so thankful that she has Alice and Kenneth to play with her, otherwise she would be a very lonely little child.

Beaufort, S. C.
Sept. 25, 1898
MMy old man is not with me today, had to go to Colleton on business. I miss him very much. I will be sick month aft... [This entry stops abruptly at this point. "Sick" as used above is the standard euphemism for giving birth.]

Beaufort, S. C.
Nov. 21, 1898
My darling little boy is one month old today. I thank God for my son, and pray that he grow up a good man. He is a dear little fellow. Everybody says he is fine looking. Daisy thinks so much of her little brother. Dear as he is ... [The cover and one or more pages seem to be missing at the end of this journal.]

   -- March 19, 1886 to June 19, 1889 | Volume 8

Return Volume 1 | Volume 3a  -- October 29, 1899 - July 22, 1922


Volume 1    -- March 19, 1886 to June 19, 1889/a>

Volume 2    -- July 17, 1889 - October 29, 1899 

Volume 3a  -- October 29, 1899 - July 22, 1928

Volume 3b  -- September 1, 1939 – March 15, 1941

Volume 4    -- August 17, 1941 - August 22, 1943

Volume 5   -- October 1, 1943 - June 13, 1947

Volume 6   -- July 5, 1947 - May 2, 1955

 


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